(un)equivalent exchange
by tootooroo
Summary: Maybe she was his weakness and he was her strength. Maybe it wasn't equivalent exchange after all.


_Maybe she was his weakness and he was her strength. Maybe it wasn't equivalent exchange after all._

* * *

The first time it hit her was when she was transferred into the Führer's office as King Bradley's personal adjutant. Being held as a 'hostage' was definitely not the worst thing she had experienced in her short life. Besides, the second she set her feet on East City's military academy turf, Riza Hawkeye had already prepared to face the grim reaper in her perfectly-pressed blue uniform at any given time—her naïve idealism accounted in or not.

Being taken hostage is a thing. Being taken hostage in order to keep _him_ on leash is a whole different story.

It unnerved her.

Damn her and her blatant lie if she said she hadn't been contemplating this whole thing all the time. It receded, yes, but never vanished. Even after being pushed into the deepest recesses in the back of her mind, _it_ was still there. Dormant, lethal, ready to burst once she drop her guard.

Her fear was later amplified when she was laying down there— _tormented_ , with pooling blood beneath, watching helplessly as her nightmare unfolded. One look at his desperate eyes, and she _knew_.

For a brief period of time, he was willing to do it.

For a very few seconds that felt like an eternity, he was willing to sacrifice everything for _her_.

(…and she was really, _reallyreallyreally_ grateful he didn't.)

That was the only thing she needed to confirm her worst fear;

Maybe she was his weakness and he was her strength. Maybe it wasn't equivalent exchange after all.

Was she actually aiding him to achive his— _their_ goal? Or was it only an illusion of control, while in reality, she was merely a burden to him? An achilles' heel, useless and easy to exploit?

The entailing battle against Father gave her little to no time to even think about it. But now, in the aftermath, in a quiet, antiseptic-scented hospital room with only her and Edward Elric in it, she had way more than enough time for her not-so-bright thoughts to make their way to the surface.

"…ant? Hey, Lieutenant?"

Hawkeye blinked as she was forcefully pulled out of her trance. She turned to face the elder Elric sitting on a chair beside her bed—winced at the pain on her neck, since apparently the drug's numbing effect was starting to worn out—and stared at him quizzically. "Of course you have to call her, Edward. I'm sure she'd been worrying you two a lot... Even if you don't want to tell her when you will head back home yet, or that you two had successfully regained your bodies, she at least deserves to know that you made it out. Alive."

Bless her lazy, procrastinating coworkers that tend to neglect works until the very last minutes, and later bombarded her with questions that she acquired the skill to explain what they didn't understand _and_ barking orders to make the said works were done efficiently _and_ finishing her own workload, all at the same time. She knew her ability to focus on more than one thing simultaneously would eventually come into use—just like now.

Edward crossed his arms and legs and averted his gaze. A slight hint of understanding was displayed on his features. "M-maybe I should…"

The woman nodded in approval.

Silence engulfed the two blondes for a moment before Ed dared to take a peek to the soldier in front of him from behind his curtain of fringes.

 _Oh, that look again_.

"So… how is that bastard doing?" He cleared his throat purposefully.

Hawkeye unconsciously stared at the bed at the other side of the room. Mustang was being checked-up somewhere in the hospital, thus it was currently unoccupied.

.

.

"Umm.. Lieutenant?"

"Ah. I'm sorry, Edward. He is fine now. A few stitches on his palms and he'll be as good as he was before, aside from… that."

 _Of course._ Gulping, the boy carefully continued, "What is he going to do from now on? I-I mean… that guy still got a lot of things to do in the future and then… yeah, _that_ happened."

Sure, Mustang was an arse. Or at least he was, according to Edward's opinion. But it doesn't mean he deserved _that_. Not when he had such a grand vision for the future. Edward Elric will _never_ admit it to anyone—not even Winry—but he's glad it was Roy Mustang who found him. God knew how it could had felt working under one of those dirty, war-mongering, corrupted military brasses. At least he still got a noble heart under his shitty outlook.

She gave him a wan smile, "The Colonel is still intending to fix things in Ishval first. Although, I do not recall anything from the rules that explicitly allows blind officers to continue their services. Partially handicapped due to occupational injuries, yes. But not blind. He said we _will_ work things out, though. Stubborn man doesn't know when to give up, does he?"

"Like hell he does."

Silence.

Edward's furrow grew deeper as he straightened up on his seat. He had been called names—child prodigy, genius, brilliant-minded, you mention it. What most people failed to notice was that, despite his loud and obnoxious antics, he was _also_ a good observer.

But one didn't have to be at his caliber in order to see that something was off.

"Something is bothering you, Lieutenant." He pointed out.

His first thought was that he should dash out of the room immediately in fear that the Lieutenant would not be happy at his accusation. God knew what she could had hid under her blanket.

But his second (and more rational) thought could not handle seeing her eyes went unfocused _over and over again_ during their conversation—thus he decided to stay there, at least until he could figure something out.

Because she was Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. The Lieutenant did _not_ lose her focus.

Hawkeye, on the other hand, only looked at him with a small portion of disapproval and a big portion of astonishment. "There is not?"

"It was a statement."

The woman sighed and readjusted her hospital robe. At this point she already knew there would be no use confronting Edward Elric when he decided to be persistent. "Well, perhaps. Aren't you supposed to be at Alphonse's room by this time, Ed?"

Edward scoffed, "The room was too quiet—Al sleeps like a log aaaaall the time! Not that he doesn't deserve it, though—But I need some fresh air here and there, and I found out that I also have to check out on my friends while we're all still here." He looked at her in dismay when she only let out a small laugh.

"That's so sweet of you worrying about my well-being, Edward. Thank you."

Blushing almost instantly, the boy stuttered, "N-no! Well, yes, actually, but I meant—okay, they finally told me what happened down _there_ and I couldn't help but to think of ominous things—I mean we all know what harm such bloodloss could've done! You should've seen Mustang's reaction when you suddenly collapsed beside him after I brought my brother back from the gate, though. Man, 'frantic' was an understatement."

Her hazel eyes narrowed slightly—and with that, Ed knew he hit the nail right on the head.

"I am fine now, Edward."

"You strayed off several times in _one_ sitting, Lieutenant."

"Maybe it was the drugs."

"So what did Mustang do wrong this time?"

Ed regretted his words right after they escaped his tongue as her stare became more defensive. Maybe he shouldn't have pried in after all. She had a thick, rigid carapace around her and even if she'd let anyone in, he doubt he would be one of them.

 _But even the hardest shell could crack and crumble if it was forced to contain too much things inside._

So if being shouted at or being slapped in the face for his intrusiveness or, God forbid, getting a clean-shot on his forehead is the only way to relieve her burden even just a little, Edward was willing to go through all of them.

The Lieutenant had been there for him during his worst of times. If he didn't do the same—especially when that lame excuse of a colonel is nowhere near being useful to comfort her, Granny Pinako didn't have to make all her way to Central to kick his ass. Ed will do that by himself.

"A lot,"

The young Alchemist brought his attention back to her, keeping his expression schooled.

"But to err is humane, Ed. Besides, that is not always the case."

"Are you blaming yourself for that?"

Instead of an answer, Edward was met with yet another silence. The one he didn't know whether to take it as an affirmative or a negative—or could it be both?

 _God, are all women in the world_ this _complicated?_

His next words were picked carefully, "I know how it feels, Lieutenant."

The said Lieutenant's brows raised slightly as he continued,

"I know exactly how it feels to lock everything up for myself. Well—I mean yes, I and Al share basically everything, but sure there are things I just can't bring myself to tell him. They… haunt my mind like a lurking shadow. I was just lucky I got people like Teacher or Winry who are able to point them out and talk things through. But you—" Ed hesitated for a moment, and decided it was better not to say it aloud.

"They will consume you, Lieutenant. They will drain you from the inside... I—no, I don't want it to happen."

Hawkeye stared at his golden eyes for a moment. She then shook her head, and again let out a small laugh.

Exhausted. Perplexed.

Being stared at like _that_ was starting to make him nervous, thus he was a little relieved when she averted her gaze to the blanket—scrutinizing its every folds and wrinkles.

"You are a gifted kid, Edward. Genius, even," She said, her voice barely audible if it were not for the tranquility. "Have you ever thought how your… s _ignificant other_ 's life would be better if they hadn't met you at all? Where they can take every steps freely without _you_ being there as a hindrance? Have you—"

" _Lieutenant._ "

His voice was thick and venomous. Gritting his teeth, Edward went on, "Please. Do not continue."

"Not until he stopped making stupid decisions for _my_ sake!"

If Hawkeye was trying to keep her expression neutral, she failed miserably.

Maybe she shouldn't have said that. Maybe she shouldn't have raised her voice to that boy, of all people. But the exasperation had overwhelmed her. Even the sharp pain on her neck had gone unnoticed—let alone her common sense and rationality.

The emotion inside finally overflowed its container, and there was little she could do to take it back.

"What was that, dancing right on their palm like he did? Aborting his meticulously-deviced plan, walking in their accordance just because they were dangling me right in front of him? Did he even realize what kind of dangerous game he was playing?"

Edward tightened his jaw as he saw her trying to catch her breath.

"What was the point of paving his way all these years, building his goals from scratch, if he is willing to throw them all in instance? Just because he _almost_ lose one of his supporters? Ridiculous!

"If I knew I would only become his drawback—his _weakness_ , I'd rather—"

The water glass clattered as Ed slammed his fist onto the end table. _Hard_.

She was startled. All her blurred senses—previously clouded by her morbid emotion—gradually made their way back. She started to feel the chilling air prickling her skin. She could feel the soreness on her neck—Hawkeye unconsciously brought her right hand there to soothe it.

And she could feel Edward's sharp eyes piercing through her.

 _She_ was the Hawk's Eye. _She_ should be the one giving him _her_ notorious sharp look, not the other way around. If it were not for the fury seeping from his being, she almost found the circumstance funny.

"One more word, Lieutenant, and I will throw this glass into pieces, nurses be damned." He voiced.

Three years ago, he would had yelled indignantly, throwing whatever tantrum he had up his sleeves. This time however, he was mature enough to take control over his rage. Edward shifted on his seat. Crossing arms, he closed his eyes and after a few deep breathings, locked his gaze with those hazel orbs of hers—his prior rage already vanished into nothingness.

"Hear me out," he started.

"Reality check, Lieutenant, not _every single thing_ in this damn world is _your_ fault. I mean it. There are things outside our control also taking their roles. It can't be helped—it is just how the universe works.

"In the end, we are just tiny human inside a grander scheme. Yes, we have our part to play, and we better play it the right way. I'm not justifying anyone or anything here, but it won't be called a 'chain reaction' if the chain only got one link. We need many other links—the ones we have _no_ control over—in order to call it so. Thus when a chain reaction—an… _occurance_ , happened, the other links are just as blameful as the link that started it. Heaven's sake, and I thought _you_ were the one giving me _this_ lecture, Lieutenant!

"And that Colonel Useless—shit, don't even make me start on that guy. You? A hindrance for _him_? He can't even save his sorry ass in the rain without you being there! Get your facts straight!"

"Edward…"

"I am _not_ done yet!" he slammed the end table once more—the water glass threatened to fall down. Hawkeye subtly shoved it to a safer spot as the Elric went on preaching his rage.

"I may have not known him as long as you have, Lieutenant. But at least it's been long enough for me to understand how his mind works. Not gonna lie. If _you_ , of all people, hold no personal stake on how he chooses to live his life, to make his decision—which is practically impossible, now that I think about it—I will go straight to wherever he is right now and shove some common sense down into his throat!

"I _loathe_ to tell you this, Lieutenant, but you are the first, and the _only_ person to hear this directly from me—Roy Mustang is one of the most selfless person I have ever known. And I have known _Alphonse_ for basically my whole life, godforsaken. Despite his pain-in-the-arse attitude, I know that he cares deeply for his comrades. For me, Lieutenant Havoc, Lieutenant Maria Ross. We don't even have to be _you_ to be included into his calculations!

"So please, Lieutenant, don't hate yourself just because he takes your well-being into account. Don't blame yourself because he decides that you are one of the most important aspects in his life."

Riza Hawkeye was not the one to be dumbfounded. She kept her silence most of the day because she _chose_ to, not because she was out of words to say.

She thought she had already seen every side of Edward Elric, an observer she was. But today, he managed to prove her wrong. Twice.

Seeing the boy panting, she mulled things over inside her head—and even after a while, with the corners of her lips raised, all she was capable to say was a mere, "…thank you, Edward."

Yes, she was aware that the then-boy she found years ago had achieved a certain level of maturity. But who had guessed it'd be _this_ mature? _His journey had surely taken its toll on him,_ she mused.

Edward's face was lightened as he saw the gravity left her features.

But his relieve did not last long.

"Good day, Fullmetal. Are you done lecturing my lieutenant, yet?"

The said alchemist yielded an unmanly shriek as he jumped from where he was seated—the chair fell backward due to the sudden force.

"H-How… how come—how long h-had you been standing there, yo—you eavesdropping bastard?!"

Their subject of conversation emerged from behind the door—he slowly made his way into the scene, guided by a nurse. (At first he insisted that he could do it by himself, but a few bumpings into the furnitures later, the nurses knew better than to let him proceed.)

"Well," he replied, his bed creaked as the man sat on its mattress, "long enough to know that I am, apparently, a _selfless_ person with pain-in-the-arse attitude. Quite heart-warming to hear that directly from you. Isn't it, Lieutenant?"

Mustang made sure he emphasized on _that_ particular adjective on purpose.

Edward gaped in disbelief.

 _Did I just say that Roy Mustang is_ selfless _right into his face?_

"Yes, Sir."

He was done for.

To hell with one-month-length of Alphonse's recovery time. All he wanted was to take his brother and board a train to Resembool—the sooner the better—and leave without so much as looking back. Away from Central. Away from the Colonel— _well, shit_.

The next thing he did was rushing out of the goddamn room, running along the hallway with face red as beet—covering his ears, screaming blabbery to the point that the station nurses had to figuratively kick him out of the hospital building.

The Lieutenant couldn't help but smiled, amused by Edward's antics. _Boys_ , she thought.

To say that she was ashamed of herself would be an euphemism, truth to be told. Between getting her mind caught by a fifteen-year-old, and scolded by him, and realizing that maybe ( _just maybe_ ) what he said was actually right—Hawkeye didn't know which one was the biggest insult to her adulthood.

A far-fetched cough coming from her superior officer caught the woman's attention.

"So, Lieutenant. Care to explain?"

* * *

 _Phew, it's been years since the last time I actually wrote something. And turned out that today, June 1_ _st_ _, is apparently Roy Mustang Day, say whaaat? So I decided to post this one today! Fic was inspired by bleedingcoffee42 's recent fic_ Absent _, in which one of its chapters contained the sentences I used as the summary (p.s thank you for your permission!) I'd recommend you guys to take a peek on the fic. It's awesome._

 _And I think I've seen enough parental Riza-Elric fics (well, who doesn't love them, seriously?) but I felt like adding a twist… so instead of Riza patronizing the young alchemist, it's the other way around! At first I'd like to go with Al, but then I realized maybe Ed would be more suitable for the fic._

 _The story takes place in the aftermath of Promised Day, some time after that (not too long, though—maybe a few days?) in which things had begun to settle, and Marcoh hadn't paid Roy a visit yet._

 _Yeah sometimes Riza hates herself far too much that it needs to be pointed out teehee._

 _Thanks for reading! Kindly review, please?_


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